I think most writers, writers of fiction in any case, have a deep curiosity about people and about themselves in particular. We often write what we know or at least we incorporate what we know into what we write.
For some time now I have wanted to write a story which is about a situation that happened that is, I suspect, rather unusual. This story is about me really but there are other very central characters to this story. I think what put me off was trying to tell the story using the third person. It was the dilemma of whether to adjust the story to suit some character named Annabel or Freda or whatever or to take the chance of revealing a large chunk of myself by using the first person singular/first person narrator (the *I*).
Eventually, the solution presented itself. I had no choice but to use the *I*. This was my story in its entirety and the reader needs to know that; that the author is heavily invested in the story. Although the author aches for the cathartic response often associated with writing a biographical piece of writing, she already knows there will be a number of days when it won't be at all easy. Part of the author wonders if she should give the whole exercise a miss. Yet, it is a fascinating story and one that deserves to be told.
As I write the story down, this journal will keep me company and I shall it use to throw around ideas and thrash things out. Many unresolved issues are bound to come up.
Friday, 18 November 2011
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Traits of men and women
A few years ago amongst a spurt of cleaning up the house I 'let go' 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray. I felt I had garnered all that I needed to know from that book, I guess. Or maybe at that point I just rejected the whole idea that there was any great wisdom in that book.
A few months ago I saw a copy of the book in a second hand bookstore for $2 and I bought it back again, so to speak. Perhaps the blogs I have been reading about various relationships had worked a little magic on me; had me reconsidering what I wanted; what I needed to know.
Some of the girls writing about their "submission" sound rather wise to me, in fact. They have developed a style of communication with their "Top" or "Master" or "Sir" or "husband" such that they communicate rather well. The style can be limiting in the sense that they don't get to shout, or speak out of turn or just blurt out their thoughts in a highly emotional way (or so it seems to this observer) but in return for that limit, they get a more harmonious relationship. This is right in line with what John Gray has to say, even though he is not referring to the 'top' or 'bottom' of a relationship but rather the 'man and 'woman' of the relationship. Consider the following example:
He writes on pages 148-149, "Remember, when you offer unsoliticited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled or rejected." "Remember, when a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.""When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen."
His advice to women is to "share feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration." "Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection and don't lecture or correct him."
Is John Grey trying to say that the best marriages are an agreement to have a 'power exchange' of some sort or is a 'power exchange' relationship just a good marriage/relationship where masculine and feminine traits are allowed full expression?
What it seems to me is that women are asked to exhibit an extra dose of patience and self control here.
Hmmmmm...
A few months ago I saw a copy of the book in a second hand bookstore for $2 and I bought it back again, so to speak. Perhaps the blogs I have been reading about various relationships had worked a little magic on me; had me reconsidering what I wanted; what I needed to know.
Some of the girls writing about their "submission" sound rather wise to me, in fact. They have developed a style of communication with their "Top" or "Master" or "Sir" or "husband" such that they communicate rather well. The style can be limiting in the sense that they don't get to shout, or speak out of turn or just blurt out their thoughts in a highly emotional way (or so it seems to this observer) but in return for that limit, they get a more harmonious relationship. This is right in line with what John Gray has to say, even though he is not referring to the 'top' or 'bottom' of a relationship but rather the 'man and 'woman' of the relationship. Consider the following example:
He writes on pages 148-149, "Remember, when you offer unsoliticited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled or rejected." "Remember, when a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.""When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen."
His advice to women is to "share feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration." "Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection and don't lecture or correct him."
Is John Grey trying to say that the best marriages are an agreement to have a 'power exchange' of some sort or is a 'power exchange' relationship just a good marriage/relationship where masculine and feminine traits are allowed full expression?
What it seems to me is that women are asked to exhibit an extra dose of patience and self control here.
Hmmmmm...
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Stereotypical characters
Stereotypical characters don't hold all that much appeal to me and in a similar way, in my life I am always looking for that quirky or unusual person with which to engage. I get a lot of stimulus and even energy from people who can offer me something extraordinary - something different.
Families don't necessarily mean 'nuclear families' these days. There are lots of single parents bringing up children; some children have two mothers rather than a mother and a father, and so on. As a writer looking to get away from stereotypical situations, I embrace those options.
Yet, some 'facts' cannot be denied. A study of 4,000 families over four years recently reported that children of married couples have better outcomes than children of de facto or single parents.
It should come as no surprise that the happiest families were the most financially stable families. Financial circumstances could well explain the findings but also important is how consistently a person can parent and that is harder for a single parent who has no other adult with which to share the responsibility or to discuss issues.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and that's my goal - to generate stories with characters that are different or doing unusual things, even amongst what would appear to be, an ordinary life.
Having said that, it is not easy to break away from what I know. Children flourish with an abundance of love; with unconditional love and support, and with a strong sense of right and wrong. It really doesn't matter what the makeup of the family is so long as the key ingredients of a happy family are in place. It is easier said than done and takes a lot of commitment. The story is in there, I think; the struggle and conflict to remain committed to the cause.
Families don't necessarily mean 'nuclear families' these days. There are lots of single parents bringing up children; some children have two mothers rather than a mother and a father, and so on. As a writer looking to get away from stereotypical situations, I embrace those options.
Yet, some 'facts' cannot be denied. A study of 4,000 families over four years recently reported that children of married couples have better outcomes than children of de facto or single parents.
It should come as no surprise that the happiest families were the most financially stable families. Financial circumstances could well explain the findings but also important is how consistently a person can parent and that is harder for a single parent who has no other adult with which to share the responsibility or to discuss issues.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and that's my goal - to generate stories with characters that are different or doing unusual things, even amongst what would appear to be, an ordinary life.
Having said that, it is not easy to break away from what I know. Children flourish with an abundance of love; with unconditional love and support, and with a strong sense of right and wrong. It really doesn't matter what the makeup of the family is so long as the key ingredients of a happy family are in place. It is easier said than done and takes a lot of commitment. The story is in there, I think; the struggle and conflict to remain committed to the cause.
Monday, 14 November 2011
Scenes and real life
I have been reading on various sites both men and women talking about "vulnerability". There are differing opinions on this even amongst those who agree that they have a "vulnerability kink". Some women enjoy vulnerability in a "scene" and some men enjoy the fact that the independent woman who is actually confident generally can allow herself to become so vulnerable during play.
Some women are sure of themselves; they look and presumably feel, confident. They are in charge of their lives, their careers and their finances. Yet, alone with a man that same confident woman can turn into a rather helpless soul. I overheard one young man explain how confused he was by his new girlfriend - one minute an assertive and confident woman demanding better service in a restaurant whilst her more relaxed boyfriend sat back and tried his best to ignore her rant, while back at home she altered into a tiny, helpless little girl who seemed bereft of confidence or any notion of what to do without him. He felt sure it wasn't an "act" but that her personality was split in two in some way.
I must say that I can't conceive of a situation where I could split myself in two - be one woman in all situations except a play situation with a man where I allowed myself to become totally vulnerable; helpless. I think I would feel very vulnerable in such a scenario where the man had full control over me. It appeals. But, the idea that this vulnerability would be left at the door when I went home just does not seem plausible. The "vulnerability" is inside me; part of me regardless of the ability to function well in my life.
I am capable of feeling small in such a play scene. I feel sure of it. I am equally capable of feeling vulnerable in any number of situations. For one thing, if I played with someone, I would ponder for a very long time if I meant anything to that person in any way at all. How exactly do you have an intimate experience with someone and not wonder if you left any indelible impression on them?
Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps I feel too much because if you were to ask for words to describe me, 'vulnerable to being hurt' would be some of them, inside a scene or out. And I suspect I am not that unusual but of course, this is mere speculation. Ramblings really.
Some women are sure of themselves; they look and presumably feel, confident. They are in charge of their lives, their careers and their finances. Yet, alone with a man that same confident woman can turn into a rather helpless soul. I overheard one young man explain how confused he was by his new girlfriend - one minute an assertive and confident woman demanding better service in a restaurant whilst her more relaxed boyfriend sat back and tried his best to ignore her rant, while back at home she altered into a tiny, helpless little girl who seemed bereft of confidence or any notion of what to do without him. He felt sure it wasn't an "act" but that her personality was split in two in some way.
I must say that I can't conceive of a situation where I could split myself in two - be one woman in all situations except a play situation with a man where I allowed myself to become totally vulnerable; helpless. I think I would feel very vulnerable in such a scenario where the man had full control over me. It appeals. But, the idea that this vulnerability would be left at the door when I went home just does not seem plausible. The "vulnerability" is inside me; part of me regardless of the ability to function well in my life.
I am capable of feeling small in such a play scene. I feel sure of it. I am equally capable of feeling vulnerable in any number of situations. For one thing, if I played with someone, I would ponder for a very long time if I meant anything to that person in any way at all. How exactly do you have an intimate experience with someone and not wonder if you left any indelible impression on them?
Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps I feel too much because if you were to ask for words to describe me, 'vulnerable to being hurt' would be some of them, inside a scene or out. And I suspect I am not that unusual but of course, this is mere speculation. Ramblings really.
Sunday, 13 November 2011
Making decisions
I correspond with a young woman in her twenties. She is well educated and her emails are testament to the fact that she is intelligent, well read and considered. I like the fact that she is very open minded. She believes that women can do whatever they choose - that a woman should feel free to make her own choices: to marry or not to marry, to have a child or never have a child; to make a career her life or to enter a power exchange where she gives up some (or all) her choices to a man. Whatever makes her happy, she says.
The young woman notes that her friends are similar to her - all well educated and all engaged in careers and/or post graduate degrees. They haven't thought about marrying, she tells me. She adds that she and her friends don't even consider it a possibility. I wonder why.
Unfortunately, life is not finite. Our bodies don't wait for us. Either we decide to have a child by a certain age or we elect by default quite often, not to have a child.
Are these young women making educated decisions about what is right for them, not just now but for their future? Or, are they putting off the decision until it is made for them?
I wonder exactly what is going on here.
The young woman notes that her friends are similar to her - all well educated and all engaged in careers and/or post graduate degrees. They haven't thought about marrying, she tells me. She adds that she and her friends don't even consider it a possibility. I wonder why.
Unfortunately, life is not finite. Our bodies don't wait for us. Either we decide to have a child by a certain age or we elect by default quite often, not to have a child.
Are these young women making educated decisions about what is right for them, not just now but for their future? Or, are they putting off the decision until it is made for them?
I wonder exactly what is going on here.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Power in relationships
When things need to be improved or altered, it is often the woman who determines that initiative, who brings that idea to her man and provides the momentum to see it through to completion. Think curtains or a new dinner set or a holiday plan or braces for the child and it is likely that the woman has set the plan in motion, seeking some sort of consensus with the man before she takes action.
Of course men and women have any number of arrangements and perhaps all the power lies with her to make these decisions, or perhaps she has no overt power at all but has at her disposal numerous strategies to allow him to understand the wisdom in her idea. We all find our unique way to interact with another in our relationships. Sometimes, we dance in unison and glide through life effortlessly and sometimes all we seem capable of doing is stepping on one another's toes.
It is probably a rare thing for a woman to seek out a conversation with her man where she wants to discuss in detail their dynamic. I tend to think that most people don't give it too much thought, simply doing their best from day to day to be in harmony with this other human being that shares their life and their bed.
A cursory glance at the Internet and other blogs however does suggest that some people take their dynamic very seriously and discuss it in detail with their partner; sometimes coming to a detailed and formal arrangement as to how matters will be resolved. This goes beyond deciding on a budget or who cooks the meals or folds the laundry or puts the garbage out. This sort of arrangement can involve who has control over the other and who does not. Words such as the top and bottom of the relationship may be used.
Whilst this might all sound counter to women's rights, I don't think it can be dismissed that easily. Numerous blogs suggest that this arrangement can provide great sustenance for both partners. I strongly question that it leads to zero conflict but I am open to the idea that it could lead to harmony and contentment.
From what I have read, a commitment by both parties seems to be the vital ingredient. I see advantages for both sides of the partnership equation but only if there is very open communication between the two people about how the other is faring. Inner conflict seems inevitable and that needs to be expressed and sorted out.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely, it is said. I see the main danger of such a formal relationship that a bottom could tend towards co-dependence and a top could tend towards narcissism. Obivously, neither of those outcomes is good. So, I am open to exploring these formal sorts of arrangements with my characters because I think it could make for intriguing interactions. I suspect it is a fascinatingly complex relationship at times and that the people involved are enigmas, which is just how I like my characters!
Of course men and women have any number of arrangements and perhaps all the power lies with her to make these decisions, or perhaps she has no overt power at all but has at her disposal numerous strategies to allow him to understand the wisdom in her idea. We all find our unique way to interact with another in our relationships. Sometimes, we dance in unison and glide through life effortlessly and sometimes all we seem capable of doing is stepping on one another's toes.
It is probably a rare thing for a woman to seek out a conversation with her man where she wants to discuss in detail their dynamic. I tend to think that most people don't give it too much thought, simply doing their best from day to day to be in harmony with this other human being that shares their life and their bed.
A cursory glance at the Internet and other blogs however does suggest that some people take their dynamic very seriously and discuss it in detail with their partner; sometimes coming to a detailed and formal arrangement as to how matters will be resolved. This goes beyond deciding on a budget or who cooks the meals or folds the laundry or puts the garbage out. This sort of arrangement can involve who has control over the other and who does not. Words such as the top and bottom of the relationship may be used.
Whilst this might all sound counter to women's rights, I don't think it can be dismissed that easily. Numerous blogs suggest that this arrangement can provide great sustenance for both partners. I strongly question that it leads to zero conflict but I am open to the idea that it could lead to harmony and contentment.
From what I have read, a commitment by both parties seems to be the vital ingredient. I see advantages for both sides of the partnership equation but only if there is very open communication between the two people about how the other is faring. Inner conflict seems inevitable and that needs to be expressed and sorted out.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely, it is said. I see the main danger of such a formal relationship that a bottom could tend towards co-dependence and a top could tend towards narcissism. Obivously, neither of those outcomes is good. So, I am open to exploring these formal sorts of arrangements with my characters because I think it could make for intriguing interactions. I suspect it is a fascinatingly complex relationship at times and that the people involved are enigmas, which is just how I like my characters!
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Needing someone
Like most people I have a twitter account and one of the people I follow is 'Relationships 101'. I can't say that I am a huge fan of Twitter. Perhaps that is because I can't condense my thoughts into just a few words. I do try sometimes but it ends up sounding trite or boring to me. Anyways, Relationship 101 said this on Twitter in the past few hours:
"If u feel like u 'need' someone, then you've already given too much of yourself away..."
Apparently, already 100 or so people have re tweeted that statement which suggests to me that a lot of people agree that needing someone is not a good thing. It definitely puts us into a state of vulnerability, doesn't it? To need someone or something is to acknowledge that maybe we can't do without that person or thing. If we can't have that person or lose that person and we "need" them, then what will become of us?
To allow someone into your heart and/or into your life is a huge leap of faith really. You open up to them and even as you do so, a little part of your brain is already telling you that this will end badly. Even if you have tremendous fun and loads of laughter with enough love to keep your spirit warm for many a day, one day it will be gone. And, what then?
I think that we all have needs. We may not like to admit that because it is a bit scary at times to acknowledge that we have "needs"; that some things are necessary, maybe not to live, but to live well. It is more than just wanting something. It is something much more enduring than that.
Whilst there are undoubtedly statements you can make about all people or all women, generalizations are not all that useful to a writer, I find. Each individual woman has her own little list of needs and wants. I have a rather strong bent towards the woman with deep seated needs; with a strong desire to love and to be loved and to do a great deal in the name of love. Such a character is not following the doctrine of 'Relationships 101', I realize, and possibly that is to her detriment.
Yet, hope burns ever bright within and pain is the price she sometimes pays for her need for love. This provides her with challenge in life but it also brings her much joy. Her capacity for joy is impressive. The highs are high. The lows are low. She is just a woman following her instincts and doing her best. Much will depend on the men she meets and how they react to her need to give and receive love. But, that's another aspect of the story for another day.
"If u feel like u 'need' someone, then you've already given too much of yourself away..."
Apparently, already 100 or so people have re tweeted that statement which suggests to me that a lot of people agree that needing someone is not a good thing. It definitely puts us into a state of vulnerability, doesn't it? To need someone or something is to acknowledge that maybe we can't do without that person or thing. If we can't have that person or lose that person and we "need" them, then what will become of us?
To allow someone into your heart and/or into your life is a huge leap of faith really. You open up to them and even as you do so, a little part of your brain is already telling you that this will end badly. Even if you have tremendous fun and loads of laughter with enough love to keep your spirit warm for many a day, one day it will be gone. And, what then?
I think that we all have needs. We may not like to admit that because it is a bit scary at times to acknowledge that we have "needs"; that some things are necessary, maybe not to live, but to live well. It is more than just wanting something. It is something much more enduring than that.
Whilst there are undoubtedly statements you can make about all people or all women, generalizations are not all that useful to a writer, I find. Each individual woman has her own little list of needs and wants. I have a rather strong bent towards the woman with deep seated needs; with a strong desire to love and to be loved and to do a great deal in the name of love. Such a character is not following the doctrine of 'Relationships 101', I realize, and possibly that is to her detriment.
Yet, hope burns ever bright within and pain is the price she sometimes pays for her need for love. This provides her with challenge in life but it also brings her much joy. Her capacity for joy is impressive. The highs are high. The lows are low. She is just a woman following her instincts and doing her best. Much will depend on the men she meets and how they react to her need to give and receive love. But, that's another aspect of the story for another day.
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